As Commodore Perry observed the last time we fought the Canadians, we have met the enemy, and he is us. (“Wasn’t Commodore Perry fighting the United Kingdom?” you might ask. Shut up, nerd.) After 203 years, a relationship starts to get stale. Even a man renown the world over for his steadfast loyalties like President Trump is bound to crave some novelty. Canada is reliable, polite, and doesn’t want to cause a fuss. If you get in a fight with Canada, you can be pretty sure that you’re the asshole. In a word, frumpy old Canada is boring.
Common wisdom says that you don’t put your dick in crazy. But there’s nothing common about Donny Two Scoops. He’s the best. Kim Jong Un is exciting, young, and has low expectations. He’s unpredictable. Erotically cruel. What’s it going to be? Good Kim funneling piles of cash earned by exploiting his slave population into Trump Organization properties? Or is it going to be Bad Kim launching a nuclear weapon into an ally’s population center? The uncertainty is . . . mmmm, delicious. You what else is delicious? The Canadian Conflict!
The Canadian Conflict
- 2 ounces rye whiskey or bourbon
- 1 teaspoon pure maple syrup
- Dash of Angostura bitters
- Orange peel (for garnish)
Pairs well with Glowing Guam (pg. 30, volume II) and The Rocket Man (pg. 33, volume II).
Some days you just can’t win. You’re going about your life, living the dream, hanging out with powerful people, paying off porn stars like it’s your job, and BAM, the FBI shows up on your doorstep and raids all your files.
It’s a bummer.
Have no fear, Mr. Cohen, we’re here to help. That’s what we do. Fix up this drink to help you cope with your impending disbarment and probable prison sentence.
The FBI Raid
- 2 oz vodka
- 1 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
- 1 oz coffee liquor
- 3 oz vanilla ice cream
Blend all ingredients with 1.5 cups of crushed ice. Top with whipped cream and a cherry.
Pairs well with the Dark and Stormy, but not The Trump.
A president, a porn star. Nothing surprises us here in the alternative universe we live in where Trump was elected president. Also, in this alternative universe, our president is as obsessed with watching television as he is with tweeting and boinking porn stars. For tonight’s entertainment beverage, we give you a porn star worthy drink to keep you and your smile company as you watch 60 Minutes and the dark and stormy twitter blizzard simultaneously.
- 1 ½ oz coffee liqueur
- 1 oz silver tequila
- ½ oz orange liqueur
- Splash of orange juice
- Dash or orange bitters
Pour the coffee liqueur into the bottom of a glass with some ice. In a shaker, mix the other ingredients with ice. Strain the ingredients out of the shaker over a spoon to layer on top of coffee liqueur. Clothing optional.