Created by men wary of democratic impulses, the Electoral College is a vestigial organ of the body politic. When all is going well, you don’t notice it. But, like an appendix or gall bladder, it can become infected and, if not removed in time, cause pain or even burst and poison the body. In the past, the Electoral College has defied the popular vote to give us the greatest Presidents: Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford B. Hayes, and George W. Bush.
If left to their own devices in 2016, the American People — those dummies — would have chosen Hillary Clinton with her “book knowledge,” her “competent track record of public service,” and her “not causing diplomatic disasters with her Twitter account.”
Unlike the appendix or gall bladder, however, we know what the original function was supposed to be. Alexander Hamilton told us in the Federalist #68.
It was a guarantee, wrote the more sober Publius, that the President would be qualified. If the People were allowed to choose directly, they may choose someone unqualified with “talents for low intrigue, and the little arts of popularity.” Without the Electoral College, our elections might be influenced by “the desire in foreign powers to gain an improper ascendant in our councils.”
Without an Electoral College, we might have foreign powers messing with our elections and we’d wind up with someone unqualified with skill in the little arts of popularity. Glad we dodged that bullet. Time to celebrate with a Faithless Elector or two and maybe a Hamilton chaser.
If you drink to the point of memory loss, more things will be unprecedented to you. “I was dancing with a lampshade on my head last night? That’s unprecedented!” “What do you mean that I did the same thing on New Year’s Eve? No way!” (While a Trump Presidency may drive Democrats and Republicans alike to drink, we do not recommend drinking until you are black-out drunk.)
In Trump’s case, it was “unpresidented” that the Chinese should capture an unmanned submarine drone. (Or, as The Guardian explained: “President-elect makes spelling error in belligerent early morning tweet”) It’s unlikely that Mr. Trump was suffering from alcohol-induced memory loss during the George W. Bush administration when a United States aircraft was captured by the Chinese after colliding with a jet over disputed Chinese airspace. Twenty-four American crew members were held by China for ten days, and the U.S. aircraft was shipped back in boxes. His historical ignorance is self-inflicted and likely a point of pride among his followers who regard book-knowledge with suspicion. They do not care that Mr. Trump is frequently wrong so long as he is never in doubt.
The unpresidented breadth of Mr. Trump’s historical ignorance is likely to be the source of repeated international incidents. When one of these crops up, we suggest mixing yourself a Twitter Beef to take the edge off. Of course, too many of these and you’ll be needing a big batch of Societal Collapse.
The first question many of us asked ourselves after the 2016 election was how will we survive a Trump presidency? The morning after was like waking up from a nightmare to realize the nightmare was just beginning. The first few days, eating and drinking at all was a chore.
But a few days after the election, I was invited to commiserate with some friends over wine. And for the first time since election night, I felt a tiny bit less despondent.
A few days later, I had drinks again with more friends. And that’s when the idea for this book was born. Not only is Cocktails for Survival hysterical, but it’s therapeutic for those of us who were devastated by the election results. I knew after that night how I would survive a Trump presidency: with good friends and a few strong drinks. (And maybe some activism on the side, but that’s another blog post.)
By the time we were done brainstorming, we had over 150 drink ideas! We were cracking ourselves up as we shouted out drink ideas. I had to run into the house for paper and pen and filled several pages.
Some favorite drinks featured in the book include:
- Putin’s Puppet
- The Impeachment
- The Nasty Woman
- The Tax Evader
- The Third Party
- The Little Marco
We had to cut our list down from over 150 to 52 (we only have so many hours to get this done) but we’re pretty sure 2017 will bring us enough material for volume 2. (Although if we need to include The Impeachment in volume 2 as well, that might be okay.)
All the drinks are themed and the write-ups are hysterical. Turns out, I have pretty funny friends.
No, we are not encouraging alcoholism. This is satire, folks.