The National Association of American Distilleries has released a new study that shows conclusively that the solution to alcoholism is to drink more alcohol. Therefore they are calling for new legislation that would address this public health crisis.
NAAD spokesman, “‘Alcoholism’ is just a myth made up the Anti-Saloon League. And besides, what about people who drive better after a few beers? Alcohol regulations dishonor the Founding Fathers who were very pro-alcohol. First President George Washington operated a distillery. Would you call him an alcoholic? I think you see my point here.”
Changes the NAAD is demanding include:
- lowering the legal drinking age to 18
- allowing alcohol sales at alcohol shows with no ID required
- allowing all-age sales of alcohol at alcohol shows
- changing the BAC for drunk driving to 4.0
- requiring teachers to drink alcohol in the classroom
- making Cocktails for Survival, volume 1 & volume 2, required text for any alcohol treatment program
These are simply the first steps in solving the alcoholism problem in the US. Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) is slated to sponsor this new legislation. (As soon as the check clears.) NAAD feels certain that as a result of these new laws, drunk driving accidents will decrease, job productivity will increase, and clearly, everyone will be happier.
President Trump has issued a statement that he agrees with this new legislation because of all the new jobs it will create.
What says, “we respect the Founding Fathers’ vision for a Republic governed by civilians?” What says, “No more kings?” What says, “we have learned the warning lessons history has to offer about militarized societies?” Is it a military parade? No? Well, if you have a small penis and delusions of grandeur, fuck it. Tanks and large missiles make you look cool. If Russians and third world dictators are wrong, who wants to be right?
In fact, why stop at tanks and missiles? This show of don’t-fuck-with-‘Murica force needs eagles, and giant flags, and booth babes, and weak shitty beer, and apple pie, and Ted Nugent, and tiki torches, and everything that MAGAs.
Then when the libtards start whining about history, democratic norms, world peace, and the unrelenting horror of people being ground into sausage by the machinery of war, you can pretend to miss the point and loudly declare that they are disrespecting the military. That’s win-win! Everything is coming up Milhouse! Trump! Time to celebrate with a Military Parade!
- 1 part overcompensation
- 1 part jingoism
- 1 part white ethnocentrism
- 13 tanks
- 50 fighter jets
- 1776 troops, marching with perfect synchronicity
- 1 lunatic president
Mix all on the streets of DC. Be sure not to pay attention to ANYTHING else while making a Military Parade.
Tonight is the State of the Union address, given out by our 45th esteemed President, Donald J. Trump. Drunk Publius aims to become Drunker Publius for the festivities.
Take a drink for each of the following:
- Trump says that something he has done has been the greatest.
- He talks about how smart he is.
- He talks about how there is no collusion.
- Drink twice if he says the phrase “Witch Hunt.”
- Disparages Obama.
- Do a shot every time he references “The Wall.” (We suggest you do a shot of The Wall – page 28 of Volume 1, or if you need something strong, a shot of The Fucking Wall, page 22 of Volume 2.)
- Mentions Obamacare imploding.
- Mocks anyone for anything.
- Mentions Putin in an admiring way.
- Disparages Mueller.
- Claims he drained the swamp.
- Talks about a minority as if they cause all the country’s problems
- Name drops a celebrity name
- Blames the Democrats for getting nothing done
- Claims no president has ever done more
- References the size of any of his body parts
The first person to pass out* wins.
* We don’t recommend you actually drink until you pass out. This is a joke. But we understand in the new era that satire will no longer be understood and our attorney wanted us to clarify.