What says, “we respect the Founding Fathers’ vision for a Republic governed by civilians?” What says, “No more kings?” What says, “we have learned the warning lessons history has to offer about militarized societies?” Is it a military parade? No? Well, if you have a small penis and delusions of grandeur, fuck it. Tanks and large missiles make you look cool. If Russians and third world dictators are wrong, who wants to be right?
In fact, why stop at tanks and missiles? This show of don’t-fuck-with-‘Murica force needs eagles, and giant flags, and booth babes, and weak shitty beer, and apple pie, and Ted Nugent, and tiki torches, and everything that MAGAs.
Then when the libtards start whining about history, democratic norms, world peace, and the unrelenting horror of people being ground into sausage by the machinery of war, you can pretend to miss the point and loudly declare that they are disrespecting the military. That’s win-win! Everything is coming up Milhouse! Trump! Time to celebrate with a Military Parade!
- 1 part overcompensation
- 1 part jingoism
- 1 part white ethnocentrism
- 13 tanks
- 50 fighter jets
- 1776 troops, marching with perfect synchronicity
- 1 lunatic president
Mix all on the streets of DC. Be sure not to pay attention to ANYTHING else while making a Military Parade.
Tonight is the State of the Union address, given out by our 45th esteemed President, Donald J. Trump. Drunk Publius aims to become Drunker Publius for the festivities.
Take a drink for each of the following:
- Trump says that something he has done has been the greatest.
- He talks about how smart he is.
- He talks about how there is no collusion.
- Drink twice if he says the phrase “Witch Hunt.”
- Disparages Obama.
- Do a shot every time he references “The Wall.” (We suggest you do a shot of The Wall – page 28 of Volume 1, or if you need something strong, a shot of The Fucking Wall, page 22 of Volume 2.)
- Mentions Obamacare imploding.
- Mocks anyone for anything.
- Mentions Putin in an admiring way.
- Disparages Mueller.
- Claims he drained the swamp.
- Talks about a minority as if they cause all the country’s problems
- Name drops a celebrity name
- Blames the Democrats for getting nothing done
- Claims no president has ever done more
- References the size of any of his body parts
The first person to pass out* wins.
* We don’t recommend you actually drink until you pass out. This is a joke. But we understand in the new era that satire will no longer be understood and our attorney wanted us to clarify.
So, the Republicans control the federal government, lock, stock, and barrel. (They really like guns.) But, they’re the kind of guys who could manage to fuck up a wet dream, couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat, and couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. So, they can’t manage to pass the legislation necessary to keep running the damn thing.
Instead of figuring out the machinery of government, they’ve opted to go the cartoon super villain route. Rather than getting their own caucus in line behind something, the Republicans have decided they’ll tell Democrats they have to choose between the lives of sick kids with the CHIP program and the lives of kids who have grown up in America but have foreign-born parents with the DACA program. It’s like that scene in the Dark Knight Returns where Batman has to choose between saving Rachel Dawes and saving Harvey Dent. Even if the Democrats decided to play along, you know it would end up the same with the Republicans pulling a switcheroo and blowing them both up anyway.
But, instead of the charismatic nihilism of Heath Ledger’s Joker, America gets the bland venality of Mitch McConnell’s turtle man. We need a stiffer than usual drink for this one. We recommend the Shutdown.
- 4 oz light rum
- 4 oz dark rum
- 4 oz tequila Light
- 4 oz tequila Dark
- 4 oz triple sec
- 2 oz gin
- 2 oz pineapple juice
- 12 oz Sprite
- Lemon slices
Directions: Mix ingredients in a pitcher with ice. Add lemon slices. Get rid of your car keys, and enjoy the Shutdown.