So, the Republicans control the federal government, lock, stock, and barrel. (They really like guns.) But, they’re the kind of guys who could manage to fuck up a wet dream, couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a boat, and couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. So, they can’t manage to pass the legislation necessary to keep running the damn thing.
Instead of figuring out the machinery of government, they’ve opted to go the cartoon super villain route. Rather than getting their own caucus in line behind something, the Republicans have decided they’ll tell Democrats they have to choose between the lives of sick kids with the CHIP program and the lives of kids who have grown up in America but have foreign-born parents with the DACA program. It’s like that scene in the Dark Knight Returns where Batman has to choose between saving Rachel Dawes and saving Harvey Dent. Even if the Democrats decided to play along, you know it would end up the same with the Republicans pulling a switcheroo and blowing them both up anyway.
But, instead of the charismatic nihilism of Heath Ledger’s Joker, America gets the bland venality of Mitch McConnell’s turtle man. We need a stiffer than usual drink for this one. We recommend the Shutdown.
- 4 oz light rum
- 4 oz dark rum
- 4 oz tequila Light
- 4 oz tequila Dark
- 4 oz triple sec
- 2 oz gin
- 2 oz pineapple juice
- 12 oz Sprite
- Lemon slices
Directions: Mix ingredients in a pitcher with ice. Add lemon slices. Get rid of your car keys, and enjoy the Shutdown.
“Hey, how did all this cash get stuck in my pockets? I demand answers!”
Bob Corker is shocked,*shocked* by a provision stuck in the Republican tax bill shortly before he conspicuously flipped his vote. But, surely, it’s just a coincidence. After all, if MAGA meant anything, it meant that the economic anxiety of the American people would be relieved if pass-through income for real estate developers without many employees was taxed more favorably. Build a wall, bring back the coal mining jobs, and lower the tax burden of landlords — that’s what Real Americans demand. So, clearly the timing of the Corker-enriching scheme and Corker’s legislative-saving change of heart was just a happy coincidence.
Even so, it has to be stressful when the whole world thinks you sold out the financial future of millions of Americans, past and present, just to make yourself a little richer. That’s why, if you need to shut up your conscience, we suggest you uncork a Corker Kickback.
The Corker Kickback
- .5 oz cognac
- 1 tsp. Grand Marnier
- 4 oz champagne
Pour cognac and Grand Marnier into champagne flute. Slowly top with champagne. Toast to another great year of real estate investment prosperity!
We know that it’s very difficult to remember how not to offend all of the various people in the world, but after Trump referred to Elizabeth Warren as “Pocahontas” during an event honoring WW2 Native American Veteran Code Talkers, and after Sarah Huckabee Sanders doubled down and said that calling someone Pocahontas isn’t a slur, we figured it was time to offer Mr. Trump and his administration a heaping helping of Native American Sensitivity Training.
Sir, it is not polite to call someone by anything other than their given name or title. For example, it would be polite and appropriate for someone to call you Donald, Don, Trump, Mr. Trump, Mr. President, or Sir. However, it is unkind, impolite, and offensive for someone to refer to you as Donnie Two Scoops, Cheeto Hitler, President Wiferaper, Commander in Child Molest, Stupid-Haired Buffoon, That Asshole Who Stole The Election, Putin’s Girlfriend, Orange Mussolini, Don the Dildo, Oompa Loompa, Pussy Grabber in Chief, Tronald Dump, etc. no matter how much one may want to do so.
Furthermore, for the man who occupies the same house and office where Andrew Jackson ordered the removal of the Native American from the southeastern United States – you may have heard of the Trail of Tears, sir – for you to stand UNDER A PORTRAIT of Jackson and say, “You were here long before any of us were here, although we have a representative in Congress who, they say, was here a long time ago, they call her ‘Pocahontas,’ but you know what? I like you…” Basically, it’s the same thing as if you invited Holocaust survivors to the White House, then stood under a portrait of Hitler and cracked jokes about Jews.
That’s next week.
Listen, literally no one expects you to know or care about any history that doesn’t involve WINNING and some imagined fantasyland of yore that you’re going to return to somehow. We know that you think Andrew Jackson was Michael’s less talented brother. We know that everything you know about Pocahontas, you learned from Disney. No one, at this point, thinks you honestly give a damn about anyone but yourself. But for the love of God, can whoever sets your schedule make an effort to keep you from being around anyone else you will offend so we can catch our breath? Can someone in the Secret Service please break your phone?
Maybe if you have half a dozen of these drinks, we could stop pounding our keyboards in frustration for one hot minute.
* 8 oz of fire water, neat
Just please shut up and drink, already.