Zombie-Eyed Granny Starver, Paul Ryan, and his colleagues in the House passed a tax restructuring bill. So Drunk Publius has a cocktail in tribute to this audacious money grab. Now wait a minute y’all, this drink ain’t for everybody. Only the wealthy* people. So all you rich mothers, get on out there and drink. Drink I said!
The drink is as old as the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. But there are a few twists. You can’t pay for the drink yourself, and you have to mix it as quickly as you can without any poors or journalists really seeing what you’re doing. If you can arrange for an older man at the party to yell about the Bible and try to “date” a teenager while you’re mixing the drink, that would be ideal.
Finally, you should either steal the ingredients from your middle-class neighbors; pay for it by raiding their health, home, or college savings; or, in a pinch, take out a credit card in their name and fuckin’ finance it!
*Not you, people making $450,000 or less. According to House Republicans, you are “low and middle income.”
The GOP Tax Scam
- 2 ounces of the most expensive vodka you can “borrow” from your low/middle income friends and neighbors
- 5 ounces orange juice
- pinch of salt
- elephant tusk
In a shaker filled with ice, add the orange juice, vodka and salt. Shake well. Pour into hollow elephant tusk. Enjoy while planning your next elephant hunting safari.
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend – and maybe someday that will happen!
Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, November 11, 2017
Awww, did the poor president get his itty bitty feelings hurt? Did that mean dictator call him a name? Poor little Donnie! Nobody should do that to him, that big meanie.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, so perhaps responding with, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” would be a more diplomatic approach.
Although diplomacy isn’t the strong suit of this president, so maybe we’ll try a drink instead. Drunk Publius has heard rumors that toddlers often calm down with a cup of milk, so here’s our Hurt Feelings drink.
Take your favorite kind of milk – 2%, vitamin D, chocolate, but definitely not skim. That’ll make anyone cranky. Pour into sippy cup and enjoy while watching Caillou. Then you will definitely not be confused with a lunatic old man.
Wondering what to get your left-leaning friends and family for Christmas this year? Looking to spread some cheer during what could be dark times when sharing holidays with Trump-supporting relatives? Did you burn through your copy of Volume 1 in the first 100 days and need new material?
We are coming to the rescue. We’d like to present you with Cocktails for Survival II: Surviving the Trumpocalypse. Available on Amazon by Black Friday.
“This is just so beautiful.” – Ben C.
“I am dying over here. DYING. This is funnier than the first one!” – Tamzin M.