The National Association of American Distilleries has released a new study that shows conclusively that the solution to alcoholism is to drink more alcohol. Therefore they are calling for new legislation that would address this public health crisis.
NAAD spokesman, “‘Alcoholism’ is just a myth made up the Anti-Saloon League. And besides, what about people who drive better after a few beers? Alcohol regulations dishonor the Founding Fathers who were very pro-alcohol. First President George Washington operated a distillery. Would you call him an alcoholic? I think you see my point here.”
Changes the NAAD is demanding include:
- lowering the legal drinking age to 18
- allowing alcohol sales at alcohol shows with no ID required
- allowing all-age sales of alcohol at alcohol shows
- changing the BAC for drunk driving to 4.0
- requiring teachers to drink alcohol in the classroom
- making Cocktails for Survival, volume 1 & volume 2, required text for any alcohol treatment program
These are simply the first steps in solving the alcoholism problem in the US. Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) is slated to sponsor this new legislation. (As soon as the check clears.) NAAD feels certain that as a result of these new laws, drunk driving accidents will decrease, job productivity will increase, and clearly, everyone will be happier.
President Trump has issued a statement that he agrees with this new legislation because of all the new jobs it will create.