In 1775 the Continental Army, formed by the Second Continental Congress after the start of the Revolutionary War, was created to coordinate a military force among all thirteen colonies to revolt against Great Britain’s rule. One of the first missions, of course, was securing the British controlled airports. You may remember from your history books the deadly Battle of LaGuardia. Brave General Washington lead the battle against British Airways that lasted ten days and ten nights. Hundreds of men lost their lives in direct battle with the brutal TSA agents, who were fortified with gallons of Covfefe and fighting on behalf of King George. Another twelve were killed in a tragic accident involving a booby trapped baggage claim carousel. The Battle of LaGuardia was one of the most gruesome and bloody battles of the Revolutionary War.
When the battle was won and General Washington had control of all the colonial airports, in an attempt to subvert additional threats, all airports were burned to the ground, leaving nothing but charred cinders and a few sets of captain’s wings buried deep beneath the debris. In fact, the knowledge of flight was lost not long after and only rediscovered in the early 1900s when the Wright Brothers unearthed a set of long lost B52 bomber blueprints in the basement of their home, which unbeknownst to them had been the original site of Norfolk International Airport. The original ORF was destroyed by a highly trained battalion of soldiers lead by none other than Aaron Burr.
In honor of this momentous event in our esteemed United States history, we bring you this new drink, which you may or may not drink while ramming the ramparts.
The Battle of LaGuardia
- 3 oz light rum
- 2 oz orange juice
- 1 oz cranberry juice
- 1/2 oz. lime juice
- 1 T. simple syrup
- 1 T. grenadine
Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker with ice, shake well, and strain into a hurricane glass filled with ice. This drink is widely available in the first class lounges at most major airports, but don’t try to order it at LGA or risk being ejected from the airport and missing your flight.
If we were inclined to be brutally honest, this drink would be called the Rapey McDrinksalot and would be nothing but quaaludes and grain alcohol followed by gang rape and a job promotion. But, as honesty is not a requirement for a lifetime job as a Supreme Court Justice, we suppose it’s not required of jokey drink book authors. So, let’s just say that, like the Renate Alumnus club, this drink is clumsily intended to show our affection for Justice* Bart O’Kavanaugh. Perhaps he can enjoy one as he plays a game of Devil’s Triangle with Tobin and Squi.
Pour the vodka into a glass with ice and mix it with beer, because you like beer. Put your hand over the mouth of the glass and shake it. Turn the music up loud so no one can hear. We recommend UB40. Strain the drink into a glass. Throw the ice at a townie. Question people about where they like to ejaculate, yell about Clinton conspiracies, kick back, and enjoy.
Forget about the fact that there’s been a treaty (the catchily named Outer Space Treaty) in place since 1967 (era of boring names) that mandates that space “shall be used exclusively for peaceful purposes,” When a president needs something punchy and Kennedy-esque to rally his rabid screaming base behind, he has two choices: war and space. And why not combine the two for maximal base-frenzy-whipping? We’ve already given the UN the finger, what’s there to lose?
Trump was probably flipping through the channels one night looking for Faux News when his finger got tired, and he landed on an old episode of Star Trek. Imagining himself to be as good with the ladies as Captain Kirk, Trump thought, “I’ve groped all the humans I can grope – what I really need is to be able to grab aliens by their genitals!”
What better way to show those sexy aliens who’s boss than by creating a Space Force to go shoot at them? Pew pew! I mean, the guy doesn’t have any compassion for other humans, why would we expect him to have any empathy for aliens? Just like 99.9% of the population of this planet, whatever lifeforms lurk out there are Trump’s to fondle and exploit (not necessarily in that order – only if they’re hot).
Look, one of the comedians behind Drunk Publius is married to a literal rocket scientist, and even that person thinks this is a colossally terrible idea. Great ideas include funding NASA, following international laws and international treaties, and not watching sci fi when you’re on Ambien.
In zero G, mix 3/4 oz green creme de menthe, 3/4 oz white creme de cacao, and 3/4 oz light cream in a cocktail shaker. Shake until chilled and strain into a cocktail glass. Keep drinking until a sixth space-based branch of the US military sounds like a good idea.