In a surprising turn of events, our Dear Leader President Donald J. Trump, nephew of super great genius Dr. John Trump, yesterday suggested that disinfectant might just be the solution to the COVID-19 pandemic. (He’s having people looking into it – you know, to clean out the lungs.) This is the kind of forward, progressive-thinking plan we were hoping to see from this president. Trump has bragged that doctors flatter him on his “natural ability” for this stuff. He just “gets it.” Now we see what they were talking about, though the New York Times has cautioned that not all experts agree with the President’s innovative thoughts about medicinal disinfectants.
Why go with the injection method though? Seems like the fastest way to disinfect your body from the inside out would be through a new, tasty cocktail. Enjoy!
- 1 c. bleach (your favorite brand)
- mint leaves
- lime wedges
- 1 c. crushed ice
In a chilled tallboy glass, add mint leaves, lime wedge, and 1 cup of crushed ice. Add 1 cup bleach and stir. Garnish with a fun straw or frilly umbrella.
Pairs well with Tide Pods.
Caution: Will cause death. You’d have to be a fucking moron to drink this, let alone suggest it as a cure to COVID-19.
In 1775 the Continental Army, formed by the Second Continental Congress after the start of the Revolutionary War, was created to coordinate a military force among all thirteen colonies to revolt against Great Britain’s rule. One of the first missions, of course, was securing the British controlled airports. You may remember from your history books the deadly Battle of LaGuardia. Brave General Washington lead the battle against British Airways that lasted ten days and ten nights. Hundreds of men lost their lives in direct battle with the brutal TSA agents, who were fortified with gallons of Covfefe and fighting on behalf of King George. Another twelve were killed in a tragic accident involving a booby trapped baggage claim carousel. The Battle of LaGuardia was one of the most gruesome and bloody battles of the Revolutionary War.
When the battle was won and General Washington had control of all the colonial airports, in an attempt to subvert additional threats, all airports were burned to the ground, leaving nothing but charred cinders and a few sets of captain’s wings buried deep beneath the debris. In fact, the knowledge of flight was lost not long after and only rediscovered in the early 1900s when the Wright Brothers unearthed a set of long lost B52 bomber blueprints in the basement of their home, which unbeknownst to them had been the original site of Norfolk International Airport. The original ORF was destroyed by a highly trained battalion of soldiers lead by none other than Aaron Burr.
In honor of this momentous event in our esteemed United States history, we bring you this new drink, which you may or may not drink while ramming the ramparts.
The Battle of LaGuardia
- 3 oz light rum
- 2 oz orange juice
- 1 oz cranberry juice
- 1/2 oz. lime juice
- 1 T. simple syrup
- 1 T. grenadine
Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker with ice, shake well, and strain into a hurricane glass filled with ice. This drink is widely available in the first class lounges at most major airports, but don’t try to order it at LGA or risk being ejected from the airport and missing your flight.
If we were inclined to be brutally honest, this drink would be called the Rapey McDrinksalot and would be nothing but quaaludes and grain alcohol followed by gang rape and a job promotion. But, as honesty is not a requirement for a lifetime job as a Supreme Court Justice, we suppose it’s not required of jokey drink book authors. So, let’s just say that, like the Renate Alumnus club, this drink is clumsily intended to show our affection for Justice* Bart O’Kavanaugh. Perhaps he can enjoy one as he plays a game of Devil’s Triangle with Tobin and Squi.
Pour the vodka into a glass with ice and mix it with beer, because you like beer. Put your hand over the mouth of the glass and shake it. Turn the music up loud so no one can hear. We recommend UB40. Strain the drink into a glass. Throw the ice at a townie. Question people about where they like to ejaculate, yell about Clinton conspiracies, kick back, and enjoy.