If we were inclined to be brutally honest, this drink would be called the Rapey McDrinksalot and would be nothing but quaaludes and grain alcohol followed by gang rape and a job promotion. But, as honesty is not a requirement for a lifetime job as a Supreme Court Justice, we suppose it’s not required of jokey drink book authors. So, let’s just say that, like the Renate Alumnus club, this drink is clumsily intended to show our affection for Justice* Bart O’Kavanaugh. Perhaps he can enjoy one as he plays a game of Devil’s Triangle with Tobin and Squi.
Pour the vodka into a glass with ice and mix it with beer, because you like beer. Put your hand over the mouth of the glass and shake it. Turn the music up loud so no one can hear. We recommend UB40. Strain the drink into a glass. Throw the ice at a townie. Question people about where they like to ejaculate, yell about Clinton conspiracies, kick back, and enjoy.
Forget about the fact that there’s been a treaty (the catchily named Outer Space Treaty) in place since 1967 (era of boring names) that mandates that space “shall be used exclusively for peaceful purposes,” When a president needs something punchy and Kennedy-esque to rally his rabid screaming base behind, he has two choices: war and space. And why not combine the two for maximal base-frenzy-whipping? We’ve already given the UN the finger, what’s there to lose?
Trump was probably flipping through the channels one night looking for Faux News when his finger got tired, and he landed on an old episode of Star Trek. Imagining himself to be as good with the ladies as Captain Kirk, Trump thought, “I’ve groped all the humans I can grope – what I really need is to be able to grab aliens by their genitals!”
What better way to show those sexy aliens who’s boss than by creating a Space Force to go shoot at them? Pew pew! I mean, the guy doesn’t have any compassion for other humans, why would we expect him to have any empathy for aliens? Just like 99.9% of the population of this planet, whatever lifeforms lurk out there are Trump’s to fondle and exploit (not necessarily in that order – only if they’re hot).
Look, one of the comedians behind Drunk Publius is married to a literal rocket scientist, and even that person thinks this is a colossally terrible idea. Great ideas include funding NASA, following international laws and international treaties, and not watching sci fi when you’re on Ambien.
In zero G, mix 3/4 oz green creme de menthe, 3/4 oz white creme de cacao, and 3/4 oz light cream in a cocktail shaker. Shake until chilled and strain into a cocktail glass. Keep drinking until a sixth space-based branch of the US military sounds like a good idea.
The Caged Baby is the drink for those nights when you wonder, “am I the bad guy?” And you definitely, definitely are. When you were grabbing some pussy, you told yourself, “actually, deep down, chicks dig it.” When you were hating on some black people, you told yourself, “I was just talking about the ‘bad’ ones.” When you were making fun of gay people, you weren’t quite sure whether they were being too sensitive or if they were infringing on your religious freedom. When you were hating on brown people, you told yourself that it’s only ‘illegal’ immigrants that you’re against even though you don’t know the first thing about immigration law; and your devotion to law and order gets a little less zealous when other skin colors are involved. And, besides, you are protecting our borders against foreign invasion! When you think about Native Americans . . . well, you try not to think too much about them because they mess up your narratives about inalienable property rights and defending the homeland and whatnot. But, when your side starts telling parents they’re taking the kids to get a shower and, instead, takes them away from mom and dad and puts the kids in cages, the self-righteous stories you tell yourself for ego-protection start to wear a little thin.
Ultimately, when you start pouring the Caged Baby, your only defense is probably that you aren’t the guy drinking the Murdered Puppy (almost certainly coming soon).
The Caged Baby
- 1 oz tequila
- ½ oz lime juice
- ½ oz simple syrup
- 4 oz champagne
Combine tequila, lime juice, and simple syrup into a shaker full of ice. Strain into a champagne flute and combine with champagne.