Some days you just can’t win. You’re going about your life, living the dream, hanging out with powerful people, paying off porn stars like it’s your job, and BAM, the FBI shows up on your doorstep and raids all your files.
It’s a bummer.
Have no fear, Mr. Cohen, we’re here to help. That’s what we do. Fix up this drink to help you cope with your impending disbarment and probable prison sentence.
The FBI Raid
- 2 oz vodka
- 1 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
- 1 oz coffee liquor
- 3 oz vanilla ice cream
Blend all ingredients with 1.5 cups of crushed ice. Top with whipped cream and a cherry.
Pairs well with the Dark and Stormy, but not The Trump.
A president, a porn star. Nothing surprises us here in the alternative universe we live in where Trump was elected president. Also, in this alternative universe, our president is as obsessed with watching television as he is with tweeting and boinking porn stars. For tonight’s entertainment beverage, we give you a porn star worthy drink to keep you and your smile company as you watch 60 Minutes and the dark and stormy twitter blizzard simultaneously.
- 1 ½ oz coffee liqueur
- 1 oz silver tequila
- ½ oz orange liqueur
- Splash of orange juice
- Dash or orange bitters
Pour the coffee liqueur into the bottom of a glass with some ice. In a shaker, mix the other ingredients with ice. Strain the ingredients out of the shaker over a spoon to layer on top of coffee liqueur. Clothing optional.
Our President, as we all know, is a quiet man not given to idle talk or self-promotion. His idea of Paradise is working his land by day and reading the classics by night. As a Christian, he takes seriously the Lord’s admonition about turning the other cheek and loving his neighbor as he loves himself.
But, do not mistake his retiring, good-natured demeanor with a lack of passion or grit. Still waters run deep. And his dark fury when roused to anger is legendary. Rivers run red with the blood of his enemies, the landscape piled high with the skulls of men he has killed with his bare hands. Or, would have except for the bone spurs. Vietnam would have gone much differently had we had the quiet, efficiently deadly Private Trump stalking the jungles. The Viet Cong would have learned to fear the night. Stupid osteophytes.
So, when we mourn the dead of Parkland, we mourn also the cruel fate that sent President Trump elsewhere that day. Had he been on campus (and not suffered from a debilitating heel condition), Donald J. Trump would surely have charged into Building 12 of Stoneman Douglas High School – his bare hands more than a match for the killer’s AR-15. Or, maybe like John McClain made real, he would have caught the shooter unaware. “Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!” coming from the President’s little-used mouth would be the last sound he heard before feeling Trump’s powerful (albeit tiny) hands around (part of) his throat.
Alas, destiny wasn’t to be as our president was surely somewhere doing important work and definitely not playing golf.
The Would-Be Savior
- 2 oz good Brandy
- 2 oz Benedictine
Directions: Pour ingredients into snifter and stir and raise a glass to the teenage heroes who are coming for Republican blood. (Be afraid, Marco. Be very afraid.)