Our President, as we all know, is a quiet man not given to idle talk or self-promotion. His idea of Paradise is working his land by day and reading the classics by night. As a Christian, he takes seriously the Lord’s admonition about turning the other cheek and loving his neighbor as he loves himself.
But, do not mistake his retiring, good-natured demeanor with a lack of passion or grit. Still waters run deep. And his dark fury when roused to anger is legendary. Rivers run red with the blood of his enemies, the landscape piled high with the skulls of men he has killed with his bare hands. Or, would have except for the bone spurs. Vietnam would have gone much differently had we had the quiet, efficiently deadly Private Trump stalking the jungles. The Viet Cong would have learned to fear the night. Stupid osteophytes.
So, when we mourn the dead of Parkland, we mourn also the cruel fate that sent President Trump elsewhere that day. Had he been on campus (and not suffered from a debilitating heel condition), Donald J. Trump would surely have charged into Building 12 of Stoneman Douglas High School – his bare hands more than a match for the killer’s AR-15. Or, maybe like John McClain made real, he would have caught the shooter unaware. “Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!” coming from the President’s little-used mouth would be the last sound he heard before feeling Trump’s powerful (albeit tiny) hands around (part of) his throat.
Alas, destiny wasn’t to be as our president was surely somewhere doing important work and definitely not playing golf.
The Would-Be Savior
- 2 oz good Brandy
- 2 oz Benedictine
Directions: Pour ingredients into snifter and stir and raise a glass to the teenage heroes who are coming for Republican blood. (Be afraid, Marco. Be very afraid.)
The National Association of American Distilleries has released a new study that shows conclusively that the solution to alcoholism is to drink more alcohol. Therefore they are calling for new legislation that would address this public health crisis.
NAAD spokesman, “‘Alcoholism’ is just a myth made up the Anti-Saloon League. And besides, what about people who drive better after a few beers? Alcohol regulations dishonor the Founding Fathers who were very pro-alcohol. First President George Washington operated a distillery. Would you call him an alcoholic? I think you see my point here.”
Changes the NAAD is demanding include:
- lowering the legal drinking age to 18
- allowing alcohol sales at alcohol shows with no ID required
- allowing all-age sales of alcohol at alcohol shows
- changing the BAC for drunk driving to 4.0
- requiring teachers to drink alcohol in the classroom
- making Cocktails for Survival, volume 1 & volume 2, required text for any alcohol treatment program
These are simply the first steps in solving the alcoholism problem in the US. Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fl) is slated to sponsor this new legislation. (As soon as the check clears.) NAAD feels certain that as a result of these new laws, drunk driving accidents will decrease, job productivity will increase, and clearly, everyone will be happier.
President Trump has issued a statement that he agrees with this new legislation because of all the new jobs it will create.
What says, “we respect the Founding Fathers’ vision for a Republic governed by civilians?” What says, “No more kings?” What says, “we have learned the warning lessons history has to offer about militarized societies?” Is it a military parade? No? Well, if you have a small penis and delusions of grandeur, fuck it. Tanks and large missiles make you look cool. If Russians and third world dictators are wrong, who wants to be right?
In fact, why stop at tanks and missiles? This show of don’t-fuck-with-‘Murica force needs eagles, and giant flags, and booth babes, and weak shitty beer, and apple pie, and Ted Nugent, and tiki torches, and everything that MAGAs.
Then when the libtards start whining about history, democratic norms, world peace, and the unrelenting horror of people being ground into sausage by the machinery of war, you can pretend to miss the point and loudly declare that they are disrespecting the military. That’s win-win! Everything is coming up Milhouse! Trump! Time to celebrate with a Military Parade!
- 1 part overcompensation
- 1 part jingoism
- 1 part white ethnocentrism
- 13 tanks
- 50 fighter jets
- 1776 troops, marching with perfect synchronicity
- 1 lunatic president
Mix all on the streets of DC. Be sure not to pay attention to ANYTHING else while making a Military Parade.