Posts by Drunk Publius
The COVID-19
In a surprising turn of events, our Dear Leader President Donald J. Trump, nephew of super great genius Dr. John Trump, yesterday suggested that disinfectant might just be the solution to the COVID-19 pandemic. (He’s having people looking into it – you know, to clean out the lungs.) This is the kind of forward, progressive-thinking…
Read MoreThe Battle of LaGuardia
In 1775 the Continental Army, formed by the Second Continental Congress after the start of the Revolutionary War, was created to coordinate a military force among all thirteen colonies to revolt against Great Britain’s rule. One of the first missions, of course, was securing the British controlled airports. You may remember from your history books…
Read MoreThe Kavanaugh
If we were inclined to be brutally honest, this drink would be called the Rapey McDrinksalot and would be nothing but quaaludes and grain alcohol followed by gang rape and a job promotion. But, as honesty is not a requirement for a lifetime job as a Supreme Court Justice, we suppose it’s not required of…
Read MoreMudder’s Space Force Milk
Forget about the fact that there’s been a treaty (the catchily named Outer Space Treaty) in place since 1967 (era of boring names) that mandates that space “shall be used exclusively for peaceful purposes,” When a president needs something punchy and Kennedy-esque to rally his rabid screaming base behind, he has two choices: war and…
Read MoreThe Caged Baby
The Caged Baby is the drink for those nights when you wonder, “am I the bad guy?” And you definitely, definitely are. When you were grabbing some pussy, you told yourself, “actually, deep down, chicks dig it.” When you were hating on some black people, you told yourself, “I was just talking about the ‘bad’…
Read MoreThe Canadian Conflict
As Commodore Perry observed the last time we fought the Canadians, we have met the enemy, and he is us. (“Wasn’t Commodore Perry fighting the United Kingdom?” you might ask. Shut up, nerd.) After 203 years, a relationship starts to get stale. Even a man renown the world over for his steadfast loyalties like President…
Read MoreThe FBI Raid
Some days you just can’t win. You’re going about your life, living the dream, hanging out with powerful people, paying off porn stars like it’s your job, and BAM, the FBI shows up on your doorstep and raids all your files. It’s a bummer. Have no fear, Mr. Cohen, we’re here to help. That’s what…
Read MoreThe Would-Be Savior
Our President, as we all know, is a quiet man not given to idle talk or self-promotion. His idea of Paradise is working his land by day and reading the classics by night. As a Christian, he takes seriously the Lord’s admonition about turning the other cheek and loving his neighbor as he loves himself.…
Read MoreThe Constitutional Carryout
The National Association of American Distilleries has released a new study that shows conclusively that the solution to alcoholism is to drink more alcohol. Therefore they are calling for new legislation that would address this public health crisis. NAAD spokesman, “‘Alcoholism’ is just a myth made up the Anti-Saloon League. And besides, what about people…
Read MoreThe Military Parade
What says, “we respect the Founding Fathers’ vision for a Republic governed by civilians?” What says, “No more kings?” What says, “we have learned the warning lessons history has to offer about militarized societies?” Is it a military parade? No? Well, if you have a small penis and delusions of grandeur, fuck it. Tanks and large…
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